The things that make retail hell. Part 1
Posted on June 29, 2007 - Filed Under manmachine201 | - Author: Lil' Mephisto
This little retail rant is brought to you courtesy of manmachine201
Whether you be the surly 18 year old working in a record shop with the indie haircut, who thinks he is going to be the next Pete Doherty, or the fat 50 year old man who pushes trolleys in major supermarket car parks, the chances are, you are going to die working in retail, at least I hope so because I have the feeling I am going to.
Many facets punctuate the perpetual suffering of a retail worker. The most important of these is the customer, whether they be the geriatric who takes 45 minutes to serve or the poncey suit in on his lunch hour tutting because the queue isn’t moving quickly enough for his liking. Customers are both the bread and butter of retail; they are also the most ugly disgusting facets of the retail employees life.
Customers often wait until you are carrying a hideous amount stock to put out in your hand before asking an obscure question like, “can you take me to the dog food?” by which time you have dropped the stock on the floor, smashing it… and with the knowledge that you have to pay for these broken plates out of your own pocket, there is nothing left to do but explain to the customer that “We are shop that sells expensive china and therefore don’t have a dog food section.”
Then there is the 89-year-old man who holds up the queue in the mornings, somehow he isn’t dead yet and is probably the only reason George Formby CD’s still sell.There is obviously the Chav who keeps chat to a minimum but still manages to call you ‘boss’, having mistaken you for a taxi driver or Kebab shop manager…All this and we haven’t even reached lunchtime yet.
At 1 minute before your lunch hour there is always the person with a list of things that they expect you to run around the shop to grab for them, this usually results in you missing a portion of your lunch. Murphy’s Law states that none of this list will be in stock although the customer will insist you order it all, as it’s a birthday present for little Timmy or whatever other reason they give you that is so important that you have to go to your lunch late for… (Do I sound jaded? If you don’t think so I guess I’ll have to try harder.)When you have been jaded and worn down by years of retail hell, you have to get small victories where you can. There is no better feeling than telling an arrogant customer that ‘the item you are looking for is not in stock.’ Of course it’s best to practise this line while in the stockroom, so that you can deliver the best possible performance walking the line of believable sympathy and absolute sarcasm. This is the closest a member of staff in a shop can get to seeing a horrid, dribbling, half witted, mongoloid customer of this calibre, die of the Ebola virus or be struck down with a mild case of Necrotizing fasciitis, for example. You will never see this person lose his wife and kids because of a gambling addiction before he decides to take his own life- although you can always have a spank fantasy about it during your lunch break (or if you are a woman, a frap- because after all we are an equal opportunities company.)Of course, when you get back from your lunch there is always the dribbling man who keeps his cash in his crusty pants, the one that manages to touch you and leave your hand smelling like cheesy puffs and vinegar no matter how many times you wash them.This is what you get for thinking that this is a stop-gap. This is the life you have chosen, like a Mafioso but less glamorous and almost certainly with less killing, although we can all dream.The Customers pay our wages but every day, a little bit of us retailers, dies for their sins.
We are Him. He is Us and ‘the customer is always right’ is our cross to bare!
This little retail rant was brought to you courtesy of manmachine201
A fellow twisted minion of the retail overlords. Come back next week to check out more from manmachine201, but you’d better hurry before the authorities hunt him down and insist on medicating him!
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I feel your pain!
I get the feeling that I too am going to die in retail. It’s a little depressing!