Retailers 101:
Posted on July 16, 2007 - Filed Under Uncategorized | - Author: Lil' Mephisto
Working with my current employers for over three years now (pause in typing whilst author sobs into folded arms and shakes uncontrollably for a while…) I’ve seen a lot of people come and go through those huge, metaphorical revolving retail doors. Some of these people have been good. Some have been not so good. Some have been downright bad. And others, well you simply wouldn’t believe me. Here is my tongue-in-cheek (but also uncannily familiar) guide to:
Retail Stereotypes!!!
1. The ‘by the book’ manager.
Everyone who’s ever worked in retail has had one of these. These guys, whilst not out to make our lives as miserable as that of a dedicated annoying customer, make life for the average retail monkey hard all the same. These managers are bred secretly somewhere, and nurtured not on the loving bosom of a mother, but fed on torn-up pages of a company handbook.
‘By the book manager’ lives and breathes the company. Whereas they may once have had hopes and dreams for something better, they’ve now deluded themselves into thinking that this is actually what they really want to do, and that the company they work for is the best thing since sliced bread. Or chip and pin machines (drool)!
Either way, they are the first through the doors in the morning, and the last to leave at night. They work sixteen days a week, rarely take holiday, and cry at Christmas because they can’t come into work for a whole day. Watch out for these managers, although a few retain their souls, these guys will ensure you don’t have a day off for a fortnight, just because ‘there’s a sale coming up’…
2. The ass-kisser.
A mini-clone of ‘by the book’ manager, the ass-kisser is smaller, less intelligent, but no less perilous to us, fellow wage-slaves. They live with a copy of the company handbook by their bed, come in ‘to chat’ on their day off (whatever) and generally own only one t-shirt other than their uniform. In-store incentives are always ruled by these geeks, who win everything from the monthly ‘tucked in t-shirt’ competition to the ‘prize’ for the most amount of a shockingly cheesy films sold to customers in an add-on sale promotion.
Ironically, I must add, ‘prizes’ for these things tend to be an extra day off; a luxury wasted on ass-kisser, who’ll come in and chat to ‘by the book’ about the film they downloaded from the internet last night, whereas poor old you or I are working our twenty-seventh day in a row and missing a sisters wedding or some such life experience. Hhhmm, these guys need to be stopped…
3. The Wage-Slave.
These guys are great! They come to work, do the minimum hours and the minimum required of them, and leave on the dot, to try and regain some form of social life. The complete enemy of Ass-Kisser and By The Book, these guys tend to form the general population of retail staff.
When asked to work an extra six hours that evening because some director is supposedly visiting tomorrow (but always fails to turn up due to ‘alternative business commitments’) Wage-Slave simply responds with a cool, ‘no’. They can’t possibly, as they are meeting friends, or family, or working on their CV, or doing anything rather than spending extra, unpaid time in a flea-infested, un-air-conditioned basement shop underground. Ass-kisser will look shocked, whilst at the same time revelling in the extra time spent at work, whilst By The Book looks triumphant, pointing to section ten, paragraph 2b of the staff handbook in which all staff may be required to put in extra shifts if a member of the board is coming for a visit.
Six o’clock comes, and Wage-Slave grabs their bag and leaves. Brilliant!
4. The Security Guard.
One of my personal favourites, every company has them, and they’re all as insane as each other. I’ve worked with guys that have served in the Egyptian army for goodness sake! There are two types of security guard. Both types eat a weeks worth of food every packed-lunch time.
The first of these is the ‘pretty boy’ guard. They love the uniforms that their girlfriend’s love even more. They love the walkie-talkies, talking in code, and generally pretending that they’re on Ultimate Force. When it comes to the crunch, these guards are about as much use as asking By The Book for a day off. I.e., useless. They’ll run away at any sign of a thief, in case they mess their hair up, and forget their code, when it starts kicking off. It’s at this point they look for their colleague, Beefcake.
Beefcake comprises the other 50% of security guards. These guys are keen, mean, and anything but lean. Eating an approximation of ten chickens on their lunch break, they usually spend half the day in the toilet, and half the month suspended for breaking a ‘shoplifters’ arm. Explaining that he was stealing, By The Book explains back to them that Granny Mildred uses her bag to hold her CDs and is not actually stealing. Especially aged 76.
So these are just a few of the masses of retail-stereotypes that we’re all familiar with. Do you know any good ones in your store? Are you one of these stereotypes and would like to put your side of the story across? Retail attracts all sorts, and we at Retail Hell want to hear from you!!!
This little listfest was brought to you courtesy of Callum, a freelance copywriter who can be contacted at callum@castlegate-tech.co.uk should you wish to offer him jobs, money, your condolences or anything else really.
Leave a comment if you want to add your own stereotype for all the world to see…
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I feel like I’m a cross between the ass-kisser and the wage-slave lmfao. That is not good. Any way good, but funny post!