Questions. Queries. Quandaries.
Posted on July 23, 2007 - Filed Under Humour | - Author: Lil' Mephisto
Manacled behind an antique and generally outdated till in the music store I work at the other day, I was asked a question so ridiculous in it’s simple stupidity, that the guy asking it could actually have been genuine.
“Excuse me mate, are these the only CD’s you’ve got?” I turned from his eyes (their slight, rapid twitching suggested he could have been serious) to gaze along with him at the vast plethora of CD’s that line an expansive shop floor. Looking back at him, I managed to somehow remain calm and respond that yes, these several thousand CD’s were indeed, ‘the only ones we’d got’.
It was with this fresh encounter of pure stupidity that I decided to theme this weeks article: the top ridiculous questions asked by the general public *shudders* to you, the poor, shackled retail-monkey trapped behind the counter. And I promise you, dear legion of fellow minimum-wage-slaves, that these experiences are all true…
1. “How does this offer work?”
One of my personal favourites, this is a classic customer no-brainer, and is actually a fairly common enquiry. The customer usually brings, for example, two DVDs up to the counter. They both have stickers on, stating a shops latest offer, for instance, ‘buy one get one free’. The customer proceeds to ask me, “How does this offer work mate?” This is usually the point where I wonder to myself whether all of the educated folk of the world are at the beach for the day, or at a convention for those with a peon of a brain cell, and all that are left on the planet are the drones that make up the general public. Remaining calm, one has to don a professional manner, and explain that if you buy one, you get one free. As the penny slowly drops, I was asked which one was the free one. I explained that you paid for the most expensive item. Customer responds that they are both the same price. Despairing, I tell them that therefore they just pay that one price. They then asked how they would know which one was the free one. I remember waking up in the staff room being fanned by the manager, explaining that I had broken down in floods of tears before promptly passing out.
2. “I’m looking for a song…”
I love a genuine customer, with a genuine query. They’re passionate about what they’re after, they really want to find a particular film, or song and give you every piece of information possible, including the recording their Gran made of the TV appearance of unknown ‘star’. However, Joe Public has a very different approach to their ‘enquiries’…
“Excuse me mate, wondering if you can help me for a second. I’m after a song, it’s always on the radio, it’s by someone, can’t remember their name, and I can’t remember what it goes like. Please can you take me to the CD right away.”
Whilst you are desperate to come up with some pithy remark about how your psychic powers are a bit below par this morning, after spending half a months salary on six pints of lager the night before, you try vainly to humour them. “Do you have any idea what type of music it is, or what it goes like?” I say, despondently. “None.” They reply. When saying that I can’t help them without any further information, they give me a cold, hard look of hatred, and vow that they will try and enquire at a ‘leading competitors’. Hhhmm.
3. “Can you take the price off? It’s for a present.”
I make no bones about my irritations after over three years festering in retail. However, of all the stupid idiocies that I regularly encounter, there is one question, almost statement, that riles me like no other. As you’re scanning the goods, cursing your ineffective scanner and dealing with a queue of biblical proportions on your lonesome, your customer turns to you and says: “Could you take the sticker off please, it’s for a present.”
Excuse me? EXCUSE ME??!!! WHAT??!!! Could I take the sticker off because it’s a present? Why the hell can you not take the sticker off? Were you born without opposable thumbs? (Pauses whilst realising that could include quite a large proportion of customers…) Do you have a rare allergy to the adhesive used on the backs of small, industrial price stickers? A present? Why stop at taking the sticker off? Would you like me to come to your house, wrap it and open it for your friend? Perhaps I could write their card for you too, since you’re obviously TOO DAMN LAZY to lift even a finger to peel off a tiny price sticker!!! AARRGGHH!!!!!
I have just taken a large gulp of tea to calm myself down. It seems that the average shop worker is destined to face and field ridiculous questions on a daily basis. I only wished that the ‘staff handbook’ issued a policy on leaving stupid questions well and truly unanswered.
This article is the latest instalment brought to you courtesy of Callum, a freelance copywriter (and till monkey extraordinaire) who can be contacted at callum@castlegate-tech.co.uk should you wish to offer him jobs, money, your condolences or anything else really.
(4 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
Loading ...Comments
3 Responses to “Questions. Queries. Quandaries.”
Leave a Reply
Sounds like me and my job. I work in a clothing store were people go nuts over clothes. when we have stuff on sale and have a red clearence sticker on it and somebody ask me is this clearence i say does it have a red sticker on it….. NO…… then no. And people always ask the most dumm ass questions in the world.
omg it sounds like my job….god i hate people…all they see is 60% off and they dont bother to read tha rest of tha sign which says tha price is already marked….all day i hear “is this 60% off this price” and all day i say “NO the price is marked”…people are so stupid why cant they read?
NOW that’s a silly question pooky-THEY’RE CUSTOMERS
Of course they can’t read, tie their shoe laces, stand upright, watch their beastly offspring,or figure out how to insert their head up their ass!