Blockbuster Chronicled
Posted on September 4, 2007 - Filed Under Blockbuster | - Author: Lil' Mephisto
Kevin stared off into the distance. His thoughts drifted to existential questions.Why am I here? What is my purpose? Where did I leave my watch this morning?
Kevin’s watch was an extraordinary object. You see, no matter how many times or locations to which he would set it, it always managed to be precisely six and a half minutes slow. It contributed to tardiness at work, dates, or any other meeting to which his arrival time was ‘vital.’ The word ‘vital’ is used in the loosest sense here, as it is of course obvious that the very thought of time is a man-made concept, and, as we all know, such concepts tend to be ridiculous to the most profound degree. It is believed that managing the location of the sun with useless pieces of metal will make you a better person. It is most probably more accurate to state that it will make you a more organized loser.
Kevin used his watch as a reminder that, no matter how in control he may feel, life will always find a way to be a jerk. He could always look at it and say, “At least you don’t work, either.”
“Well?” said the man standing in front of Kevin.
Kevin realized the man had asked him a question and since the part of his brain responsible for allowing him to care about anything the customers wanted had given up and shut down out of sheer exhaustion long ago, it had simply not registered.
“What was it you wanted, again?” responded Kevin.
The man’s face scrunched up in such a way as to reveal that he demanded strict, unwavering attention and obedience from people he did not know and had never seen before in his life.
“I want you to check your drop box for that movie.” the man growled.
“We don’t carry a movie titled ‘That.’” Kevin responded with monotone listlessness.
The man turned to his wife, who was scouring our new release wall with the determined focus of a 2 year old with Attention Deficit Disorder, or it’s shortened title, dumbass.
“Honey, what was that movie we wanted?”
The woman turned from her aimless wanderings, “Oh, it was…oh, it just went right out of my head.”
I’m sure, thought Kevin.
After a few moments of the closest thing the two people could come to ‘thinking’, Kevin realized these people had no idea what they were looking for, and all the man really wanted was to be served.
“You know what,” Kevin started, “I think I know what you guys want, give me a moment, I’ll go see if we have any left.”
The man formed a smirk of superiority at what he thought was victory over his minimum wage opponent, as Kevin made his way to the aforementioned box of drop. Kevin opened the doors to the box, which was not visible from the point at which the man was standing, and stared at the box which he had personally emptied not five minutes ago. He made a few “Hmm” and “Err” noises to indicate deep interest in his work, and returned to the man.
“Doesn’t look like it’s in.”
“Alright, well, tell me when it comes in.” The man walked to the wall in the opposite direction of his wife. Kevin made a noise which was the combination of a laugh, a cough, and the word ‘idiot.’ He returned to his profound thoughts and locking up the returned movies.
The company Kevin worked for, it seemed, figured the most powerful deterrent for theft were little yellow sticks that you stuck into holes in the movies. The logic, it would appear, is that if you can’t open the movie in the appropriate fashion, you would give up on your criminal ways, and move on to your lifelong dream of investment banking, the money from which you would put into said company’s stock, because of their brilliant theft deterrent/lifestyle changing device.
This, of course, didn’t account for the hundreds of movies that generally disappear from his store because of another clever device, toothpicks. Kevin discovered this tidbit because of the notoriously odd amount of toothpicks that turn up stuck in the carpet. All you needed was a little dexterity and you could slide the toothpick into the slot where the lock was located, flick the small lever within, and pull the yellow stick right out.
All this, of course, is slowly becoming moot due to CD burning and file sharing technology, but that is neither here nor there. Then again, people don’t just steal because they want free stuff, they steal because, or so Kevin has been told, it gives you a rush. Kevin never understood the train of thought; why would transporting an object make you feel any different if you didn’t give people little pieces of paper for it?
As all these thoughts passed through his head, a fellow person of employ made her way quietly behind him. She was attractive after a fashion, hugely popular among the liquor drinking portion of the community, dramatically less with more conservative portion. Her name was Kate, and she shared Kevin’s intense dislike for their customers, but was far less subtle with her management of the hatred. She had, at one point, taken a customers movies, voided the transaction, and dropped them down into a small opening behind the counter, which the other employees subsequently couldn’t reach and the movies happened to be ones that were currently out of stock, except for the ones that had just been ‘misplaced.’ She just stood there with a smug little smile as the customer ranted and railed at her and her boss. She had later been taken to the back and written up amongst a multitude of laughter. It was explained to the customer, very slowly, that even though he was unable to get the movies he wanted, they couldn’t give him any free movies, as he hadn’t actually paid for anything. After half an hour of repeating the same thing, the customer finally was forced to accept that as the only option available and vowed never to rent at their store again. Kevin has seen him on several occasions since, Kate never even noticed.
Kate quickly grabbed both of Kevin’s sides in an attempt to get him to jump or laugh or react in some way, to no avail.
“I believe I’ve explained to you that I’m not ticklish.” Kevin responded.
“Yeah, but, you weren’t even surprised.”
“You’ve heard some of the questions we’ve been asked, right? Seldom surprises me.”
“Speaking of questions, someone wants to know where ‘Do the Best Thing’ is. I couldn’t find it in The System.”
The System Kate was referring too was the rental companies computer system containing all the titles that the company carried. It is, as of this writing, still running on DOS, and functions only when operated precisely. It allows no leeway for spelling errors, and if anything has been entered into the system with some strange typo or subtitle, you might as well start searching for Jesus, as you’re more likely to find him sipping Margaritas on the Gulf than your movie.
Kevin sighed the heavy sigh of a man with the burden of knowledge. He looked over at the woman standing at Kate’s register. She was overweight by about five pounds, assuming that her target weight was 375 kilotons. It became abundantly clear that the task of tying her shoes required a concentrated team effort. The woman was black, so Kevin immediately realized what movie she was actually talking about.
“‘Do the Right thing.’ It’s a Spike Lee joint. It’s in drama, but I’m going to tell you now, she’ll probably be up here in about five minutes claiming she can’t find it.”
Kate just nodded and went to report her new information to the woman. The woman responded with a glare, and sauntered off in the completely wrong direction. Kate just leaned against the counter behind her, awaiting the woman’s return upon failing to find anything remotely resembling a movie. Kevin finished locking up the movies and began organizing them to be restocked. He had discovered the simplest way to put movies back on the shelf was to alphabetize them before putting them out. This mundane piece of information is only mentioned because of the consequences should he leave them alone. Customers have a tendency to disrespect every possible aspect of a store. As soon as they see something organized, it becomes their sole mission in life to destroy it. Kevin had learned that you could never leave anything alone in the store, as it would become a wrecked mass of uselessness once you returned.
“It ain’t there, ” a female voice ebonically evocated.
Kate just gave Kevin her ’save me’ look. Kate had developed a way of looking at Kevin so that he would prevent her from causing bodily harm to the more developmentally disabled customers. Without words Kevin motioned to the customer and walked directly to the movie, pointed, and walked back to the front. This was Kevin’s way of rebelling. As it was, Kevin was a very good employee. He always knew how best to help people, knew almost everything about the store, could answer any question, no matter how stupid or abstract, and always managed to remain Zen. And he hated every minute of it. He despised every customer that walked through the door. It wasn’t even personal anymore. It didn’t matter how nice of a person they were, as far as he was concerned, the best customer was somewhere else.
The point being, anyway he could find to make people feel stupid he took advantage of. So, things like instantly finding movies, or showing people who claimed the DVD didn’t work that it, in fact, was perfectly functional was Kevin’s little way of fighting the system, as it were.
You see, Kevin saw customers as the enemy, people that were there to try and make his life as miserable as possible. It appeared that as soon as they walked through the door, they became retarded babies, incapable of the simplest motor functions. They grab movies and drop them in random places, bump shelves and knock stuff onto the floor, couldn’t read any of the posted signs, and had absolutely no grasp of the alphabet. So you had to walk most of them every step of the way, like you were leading a bleating sheep to be made into chops. And oh did they bleat. If ever there was a problem with a disc, it was “What do you mean I can’t get a different movie even though I obviously had enough time to watch it?” “I had to drive all the way back here from a whole 5 BLOCKS away, I demand to be compensated” “This movie I bought didn’t work, I want to exchange it for something five times it’s value at no extra cost.”
“Kevin?”
Kevin had been staring off into the distance with an unfocused gaze. He turned to the direction the deep voice was emanating from.
“Kevin, you alright?” asked Charles.
Charles was what was referred to as the Assistant Store Manager, or more commonly, ASM, or, as some took to calling Charles, Assman. And Charles was most certainly that. If a woman walked into the store with any amount of ‘junk in the trunk’ as it were, Charles would most dutifully assist her every desire. It also meant that, as the ASM, he got to be the cool manager. He would do his job to the expectations of his superiors, he just managed to be more relaxed about it, which made everyone on the staff a little more comfortable. And because he was such a cool guy, that meant Kevin rarely actually got to work with him. Kevin just looked down at his watch as it consistently reminded him of the unfortunate truth.
“Am I ever alright?” was Kevin’s response.
“I’ve never been able to figure out what you hate about being here so much.”
“And you should consider that merciful ignorance.”
Charles just gave Kevin a whatever headshake and went to one of the registers to start checking out, coincidentally timed to when a ‘Ghetto Beauty’ was next in line. Kevin grabbed a pile of his alphabetized movies a began sticking them on the wall.
Once an employee leaves the comforts of being behind a semi-partitioned barrier, he submits himself to a gauntlet of stupidity. “Where is…” is by far the most common of questions, and while in many stores it is a fairly legitimate question, this one happens to sell a product that is easily categorized and organized. It would seem the alphabet is too difficult a concept for most people, however. Kevin never understood when he would tell them where it was and go about his business, people looked at him as if he’d just asked them to paint the Sistine Chapel with a pile of rubber cocks. It seemed to be a generally accepted rule that you were supposed to take them by the hand, guide them to the exact spot it was, grab it for them, buy it, thank them for their time, and ask if you could lick their feet, or any other bodily organ that needed cleaning. Of course it’s really a moot point, as even if they don’t expect you to get it for them, they won’t be able to find it anyways, as the alphabet is an elusive intellectual predator, allowing itself to be captured by only the most masterful of knowledge trappers, and the entire first grade.
And then there’s this question:
“What’s out that’s good?”
This was the one Kevin generally waited for, as answering it was the highlight of his day.
“Well, I guess that all depends on what you think is good,” Kevin began, “I mean, what parameters are we using to define good? Is this morally good? Are we using it in the sense of good versus evil? Are you looking for a movie that is wholesome, acceptable for a family? Of course, that all depends on how you define a family. Is it a mother, a father, two kids and god? Is it two mothers, a bondage slave and a hamster? What is morally considered good by one family could be completely loath to another. Of course, you probably aren’t even referring to the movie’s ideological views, but rather it’s rating as a movie itself. Of course, there we’ve opened another door of necessary parameters. A movie’s ‘goodness’ has a differing definition for every individual on the planet. You may like a movie with more car chases, martial arts sequences, knuckle down brawls, romantic dinner conversations, passionate sex scenes, explicate sex scenes, montage sequences, humorous banter, witty dialogue, inspirational themes, religiously motivated agendas, atheistic undertones, exotic geographic settings, musically driven pacing, unconventional subject matter, a particular actor, a particular actress, a transsexual comedian, or just a pretty horse and flowers. Then, once we’re clear as to these personal tastes, we’ll have to figure exactly which time frame we’re discussing here. Movies that were released a few weeks ago? A few months? A few years? A particular decade? We carry movies that go back to the 40’s. If we’re talking about newly released movies, do you define good based on what rating critics give a movie, or what is the general consensus among the local population? Are you just asking me personally, even though you have no idea what my personal tastes are, and have no idea how they relate to your own? Or are you just asking somebody to do your thinking for you, because you can’t make a decision for yourself?”
“I…uh…you don’t have to be an asshole.”
“Oh, but I do,” He insisted, and with a polite gesture turned rude because of it’s context, Kevin continued his movie restocking. It is unfortunate that Kevin’s little performances generally go unnoticed by most of the people in the store, as he is sure if they were paying attention, no one would talk to him again, which would suit his tastes rather nicely.
Kevin’s stacks of movies eventually led him to the stores rear, and, due to the positioning of the aisles, allowed him a straight view to the front. Kevin gazed at Kate as she rang up customers. There was a muted grace to her actions, fluid motions performing the monotonous tasks required of her. The locks slide out just right, never jamming. The movies always fit into the bags evenly, never angling in an awkward way, or poking small holes in the thin plastic. A strange sort of ballet of the mundane. She danced it well.
Then he walked into the store and ruined Kevin’s mental meanderings.
‘He’ smiled with that jaw made of flesh and iron. His low hanging blonde accented his blue eyes in such a way as to make Kevin despise him to his very core. Of course, his profoundly chiseled Aryan form wasn’t the real reason for his hatred. It was the fact that he was hers. Kate had been dating Geoff for the past six months, with no end in sight. It would have been bad enough if he was just some asshole she was dating, but no, he had to be incredibly charming, and nice. Kevin found himself feeling a little better whenever he talked to Geoff, who appeared to genuinely like Kevin. Which made Kevin hate him all the more. Kevin’s fanciful gaze turned into a stone crackling glare as Geoff handed Kate the lunch he had made for her. Oh yeah, thought Kevin, he’s apparently a good cook, too. Geoff was a terrible blight upon mankind. Kevin began fantasizing about doing terrible things to Geoff’s more sensitive of organs, which made him feel good and bad, because Geoff was terribly nice to Kevin, and didn’t really deserve bodily mutilation, when he was interrupted.
“Excuse me, do you…”
Kevin put his finger to his mouth, “Shhhhhhh, the baby is sleeping.”
“Oh,” the customer whispered, “can you show me where ‘The Centennial’ is?”
“No.” was Kevin’s whispered response. A puzzled expression formed upon the woman’s face.
“Because there isn’t a movie called ‘The Centennial’. You’re probably looking for ‘The Sentinel’.”
“Yeah, that’s it”
“Follow me,” Kevin said, as he tip toed in the direction of the movie, with the woman quietly following behind.
This little insight into the trials of a video store clerk were brought to you courtesy of…
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3 Responses to “Blockbuster Chronicled”
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oh. my. god.
that was amazing.
That is sooooo true. I can totally understand where Kevin is coming from, for I am that person. I have begun realizing that I am becoming more irratated with customers and I know alot of them personally now after working with them for so long. Some I don’t deal with and will find something to busy myself because if I have to assist them in pretending to be interested in any of the useless jargon I become cynical in about 3 seconds.
If you ever do, let me know as well, but did you ever find out why you are there? Cuz I’m thinking there is no answer, for I haven’t found it yet either.
Nice Job Krivin. Retarded babies, indeed.