50 Things to know before you go shopping:
Posted on August 24, 2007 - Filed Under Humour | - Author: Lil' Mephisto
1. Your cashier not your psychotherapist. A grocery/department store cashier has less than 2 minutes to impress upon you that we are not psycho bitches. We ask how your day is going to be polite, but we really don’t want to know that your house burned down and your boyfriend ran away with the babysitter after they emptied out your bank account. It’s just awkward.
2. Your cashier is not your babysitter. Toy departments are not free babysitting. Watch your darn kids, and even better, if you can, LEAVE THEM AT HOME! It’s NOT my job to keep them out of trouble, away from the candy, (cause I DON’T’ decide to display them at the counter, don’t even think of bitching to me about THAT!), or to keep them from squishing your groceries and the next person’s too. That’s YOUR job.
3. Your cashier is not your accountant. If you can’t keep track of your spending, that’s your problem, but don’t come up to the checkout without being 110% sure of how much you have to spend, and the means to do it. In other words, don’t leave your money in your car, and don’t put 400 dollars worth of shit in your cart if you only have 200.
4. And don’t come up to the counter UNTIL YOU ARE DONE SHOPPING. Take a sec in an aisle to double check your purchases, don’t decide after half unpacking your stuff that, oops, forgot something, be right back! Don’t even send your spouse through while you run to get something, you are underestimating how fast we work.
5. Some stores ask you if you want bags. That usually means they charge for them. It’s a way to encourage you to re-use your bags. The company DOES NOT MAKE THEIR MILLIONS RIPPING YOU OFF BY CHARGING YOU FOR BAGS. I mean really. Use some sense. And when asked, DO NOT pretend you can’t hear me, then ask me for “your” bags AFTER your order is rung off.
6. When asked if that is everthing off your buggy, just answer yes or not, and do check. People forget stuff ALL THE TIME. I am NOT accusing you of stealing, I am JUST DOING MY JOB. Yes, they do check for that, secret shoppers will PURPOSELY leave stuff on the bottom, just to see if I DO ask.
7. If you don’t hear me ask a question, don’t say, huh, eh, what at me like a freaking red-neck idiot. The proper response…… get ready for it………..it’s a real show stopper, this one……………you’d never, ever guess what it is…………………it …………….is……………….PARDON ME?……. Did you mother or kindergarten teacher teach you ANYTHING about manners?? Yes, you do have to use them with your lowly retail worker.
8. UMM, you old ladies out there? If you MUST chew gum, DO IT WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED!!
9. Oh, yah, TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE!
10. But don’t marinate in your favourite perfume.
11. The stupidest thing I see in my line of work? Parents who place their kids on the conveyor belt, (babies), then expect me to give their little darlings a “ride”…..NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I am more likely to shut down my belts and refuse to serve you until you get your kid off the belt. Were you born in a freakin’ barn? If your kid gets hurt due to your stupidity… you CAN NOT sue us!
12. Another one regarding your lovely little offspring. They should NEVER, EVER, EVER, under ANY circumstance, FOR ANY REASON, EVER, EVER, be permitted to stand in, on, ANY PART of the cart.
The floor is concrete in most places.. Do I need to illustrate it for you with a watermelon??
13. Hello????!!!!! My light is on! The gate is open! I’m serving a customer! YES I’M OPEN YOU IDIOT! What, do you think I stand around here for jollies? I swear, one time, Someone is going to ask me that when I am so very obviously open and I’m going to say…….NO!
14. Hello?? Light Off!!! Gate locked!!! I’m leaving!!! NO, I AM NOT OPEN! And when you see someone signing in to a very obviously closed lane, don’t start at them by asking them, are you open, are you opening, EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU OPEN??? While they have there back to you, on the phone trying to find out where they are supposed to go, trying to politely ignore you. Do YOU like having someone yap at you while YOU are on the phone?
15. Enough with the vulture eyes toward each and every staff member that signs in. If you are in that much of a hurry, why didn’t you shop when you had more time??
16. Hmmm,,, packed, check. tickets, check. truck gassed up, check. Ferry leaves in 30 minutes, we should have time on a Saturday afternoon to do our monthly shopping, right?……. nuff said
17. Hmmmm… if you don’t want your bread squashed, don’t put it on the belt first, when you have 300 dollars worth of groceries behind it! DUH! I’ve actually had people lecture me on how they don’t want their bread squashed, but make no effort to bag up until I’m done ringing in their order, but yet have put it first in front of, yes, 300 dollars worth of groceries.
18. Don’t cut through open lanes WITH PEOPLE IN IT, to leave the store without buying anything. Some stores let you, some don’t, but come ON… Talk about the essence of RUDE! Would YOU want someone pushing your cart away from you, shoving you out of there way so they can get out the lazy way? You aren’t saving yourself THAT many steps!
19. Is certain stores, where you pack your own groceries, you know, way down there, that far, far away place six feet from where you are now? You know what those little black hooks are for? YOUR BAGS! So you can go on down there and hang your bags off of them and push that little round thingy called a button to bring your groceries to you….and not back up the line…..and piss off the customer behind you who will, possibly, take it out on, guess who? ME!
20. I know you’re only trying to help when you pass stuff to me as I am trying to scan your stuff, but really, you’re not. It’s only a matter of time before some poor sap just trying to help will end up getting their hand smacked that way….
21. Really, how stupid do you think I am, putting the bin code for peanuts on your deluxe mixed nuts?
22. Yes, I know all the candy is the same price, (not always), but you still have to use a separate bag for each variety, ( I know it sucks), it’s for inventory purposes (it’s all computerized), besides, I know for a fact that cherry blasters are NOT the same price as blue whales and M & M’s. Don’t want to go back and fix the problem? NO problem! I’ll just charge you for the most expensive thing you have in here! Don’t want it now? Sorry bout that…….
23. Honest, as a cashier, I have absolutely no say in when or how the equipment is maintained.. It is NOT my fault the damn debit machines don’t work…
24. I KNOW plums are the same price as the peaches. I still have to ring them in separately!
25. If your credit card isn’t signed, be prepared to show some ID, but don’t get sassy with me for asking, I’M DOING MY JOB!
26. No, you can’t sign it in front of me, of course the signatures will match, you idiot!
27. I don’t care if every other store lets you used you husbands card, we don’t, and he shouldn’t.. READ YOUR CARDHOLDER AGREEMENT!
28. When you get to the checkout and you see the cashier on the phone or with their phone on the counter and they’re just standing there, assume they are waiting for something. That’s right, DON’T GET IN LINE AND THEN BITCH THAT YOU ALWAYS GET STUCK IN THE WRONG LINE!!!!!!!!
29. On the express lanes where the counters are so big you need to have monkey arms to reach everything, when you see the cashier putting their back out trying to reach to the corner, be nice and push it forward. And then when you put your stuff up, push it up too. Don’t put it in the same spot and then wonder why I can’t reach it again.
30. Just answer yes or no to the bag question, don’t tell me you’ve brought your bag (wife, girlfriend, woman friend) with you. It wasn’t funny the first time and its not funny the 50 millionth time.
31. Yes, prices go up sometimes (especially at Christmas). Everyone does it, not just us and I’m not the one who decides when things should or shouldn’t go up. Yup, my tag says cashier, NOT price changer.
32. Speaking of prices, don’t tell me how much everything is as you’re ringing it in, or ask me if I know the price of something. The friggen store has millions of items in it! All I am sure of is my codes!
33. Oh.. Try to remember your grade 3 math. There is something uniquely annoying about someone who doesn’t pay attention to the fact I’ve quantitied something that is $1, they’ve bought 4, then start yelling at me that the item is one dollar not four, but have failed to notice I scanned one while pushing the rest towards them. These are ALWAYS the ones who stare at everything I am doing, but still fail to notice the quantity thing. That’s right folks.. Lets’ say it together.. 4.…….X……….1.…………equals….. Everybody now?……..Four dollars!!!!!!!! Ding ding ding!!!!!!!!!!!
34. Or even worse when its programmed wrong and they say, YOU charged me the wrong price. No I didn’t, the computer did or more like it, the person who put the item in the computer did. Like I’m so dumb I would charge someone wrong on purpose so they can stand and bitch at me about it for an hour.
35. There is no such policy that states we have to bag your meat. Some stores do, and some don’t. Those that do, do it, and don’t need your snotty demand of, “Bag my meat, will you”. We do it to be nice, and sometimes only for the leaky meat. There are bags at the meat counter for those that want all your meat wrapped.
36. This one is for you “reachers”. You know who you are, you stand in the lane, reaching across the belt being used by the customer in front of you, because you don’t want to walk 6 feet you’ll have to walk anyway when you leave, to bag on your side of the belt.
37. Yapping at me a mile a minute about what the price is of something I have to get a price check on. No matter how many times you tell me it’s 9.99, I STILL NEED A CODE!
38. STOP GLARING AT ME FROM THE END OF THE LINE! I’M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN!!!
39. Yes, I DO have to count my money now, suck it up, buttercup.
40. There is no conspiracy of false advertising. Ever. Flyers are almost always done up for a region of stores in a specific area. It does not, ever, GUARANTEE an item to be in stock. Ever read the fine print at the back? False advertising is advertising an item on sale to get you into the store but the item on “sale” was never nor ever will be in stock. BIG DIFFERENCE.
41. Limits are in place to ensure everyone gets a fair share, but really, do you really expect the store to stock one of an item on sale for every person in town? Usually when something is rock bottomed priced, not only is a limit in place, but it is also clearly stated….. FIRST COME FIRST SERVED. In other words, once they run out, they are GONE!
42. And if Joe Blow has figured out the loophole in the system, again, don’t yell at me about it. I can’t stop them from coming in 4 times a day, following the rules to the letter to technically exceed the personal limit. Figure it out for yourself and do it too.
43. Seasonal means seasonal, but don’t forget the retail industry is a season ahead, so halfway through summer, winter stock is being brought in, Halloween candy, and even the odd Christmas item. That summer stuff came in in February, should have gotten it then, when you didn’t actually need it, but thought ahead to when you would need it. Seasonal stuff generally does not get restocked. You and 100 other people want that oh so cool thingy, and leaving your name and number while waiting for it to go on clearance when there is only 2 left, will not, guarantee you get a call.
44. Learn how to read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
45. Same goes for labels. Customers grab stuff all the time, then find a similar item cheaper elsewhere, so what to they do, they dump what they don’t want where they are instead of putting it back where it belongs, so the next person along can come along, assume the discarded item is cheaper, (without reading labels or pricetags), then whine and complain to the cashier that, “it was right there!!!”
46. Remember what you learned in kindergarten. Temper tantrums, no matter how subtle, really won’t get you anywhere. You just might get what you want this time, but we will watch out for you the next time, and you will get to be known as “that customer”.
47. Use a divider. How the heck am I supposed to know where your groceries end if you don’t. Don’t freak out on me if some of the next person’s order starts to go into yours. It’s no big deal to void stuff off in most stores, but in others it’s not so easy. Even if no on is behind you, use the damn divider. I’m not psychic.
48. Fitting rooms are for trying on clothes. They are not bathrooms, motel by the hour rooms, or a place to dump the hundred things you tried on on the floor. Have some common courtesy and respect for the staff. Yes it’s their job to put the stuff away, but not to clean up your shitty mess. (Literally and figuratively)
49. When you see someone in a store, in the store’s uniform, doing some job that resembles WORK, or maybe even conversing with other people, yes, they DO WORK THERE. Don’t ask us. Please. Just ask for help, but not if we work there.
50. But if you see that same uniformed person shopping or with their jacket on or with their purse? They probably are OFF SHIFT OR ON BREAK. Give them some peace and leave them alone!
This little rantfest was brought to you courtesy of Kyla Mrochuk-Dimitrov who also runs a group on facebook…. here
Leave a comment yourself and remember to tell a friend about the list and bookmark the post if you like it! 
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4 Responses to “50 Things to know before you go shopping:”
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Thanks for the add! Being on both sides of this retail industry, I can certainly agree with most of the the points on this rant. I used to work at a Staples–it was always understaffed, and I had to bare a good chunk of customer stupidity. I’m just glad that I’m out of retail.
Ha Ha!!! This was amazing! Thinking a book by you would be fabulous. I’ve been in retail forever, mostly clothes, but its all the same, isn’t it! People will never change, no matter what we think.
That was a great post!…
“30. Just answer yes or no to the bag question, don’t tell me you’ve brought your bag (wife, girlfriend, woman friend) with you. It wasn’t funny the first time and its not funny the 50 millionth time”
I feel the same way about the $100’s or the $50’s when you hold it up to the light or use the pen to check if it’s good.. and they say ” I just printed that up this morning” …
And just to make this comment ridiculously long.. my biggest pet peeve is when they put all their change on the counter and I then have to pick it all up… like it would have been to much trouble to wait five seconds and put it in my hand.
WOW….it’s like you reached into my mind! I’ve worked nights for 4 years, and I have an annecdote for pretty much every single one of those points.
May I suggest a 51st point? If a section looks like it is closed off, don’t ask us if it’s closed off. I am guaranteed to get this once a night over alcohol. We put down foil shutters over the beer and wine chillers, and metal grates over the other alcohol. I’ve even had one person open up the foil shutters and take alcohol out and come to the checkout with it. They looked puzzled when I said it wasn’t for sale. It took all my strength not to yell at them that the shutters were down for a reason.